“I’m mad about apples me…”

"IT'S GARBAGE DAY!!!"

In the 100+ years that cinema has existed the vast majority of all films ever made have been bad. These films are easily forgotten as they don’t have that quality of being so offensively turgid that they stick in the memory. The difference between Tomb Raider and Jaws: The Revenge is that although the first is mundanely bad, the second is so goddamn awful it is forever lodged in the mind of the viewer after watching it. These types of films inhabit the sub-genre of movies ‘so bad it becomes perversely good’. These are films which range from Z-grade quality with cheapo effects, cardboard backdrops and acting that wouldn’t pass in pornography to mainstream blockbusters so effortlessly brain-dead it’s amazing they were even released. Amongst this select group one would have to include; Attack of the Mushroom People (1963), Rocky 4 (1985), Troll 2 (1990), The Nicolas Cage version of The Wicker Man, Plan 9 from Outer Space (1959), the Santo Vs… movies, Surf Nazis Must Die (1988), the Godzilla films of the 70s and Leprechaun in the Hood (2002). All these utter piles of shit have gone full circle and have become essential, hilarious viewing and install a sense of nostalgia in the viewers who most probably first watched them as children.

The Living Dead at the Manchester Morgue(1974 Dir: Jorge Grau) seemed to have all the right ingredients to class it as another of these chosen few films. In the Spanish-Italian production a new experimental agriculture machine is bringing the recently dead back to life and turning babies homicidal through pesticide-killing radiation.
But my hopes for a film were never met. As expected this was a ‘bad’, cheaply-made film. Yet the film never managed to scale the heights of lunacy I of expected of it. Instead of being an epic of bad-filmmaking TLDATMM was slow, tedious and never delivered on the promise of being “so bad, it’s good” like the classics of this sub-genre do. There were a few enjoyably awful moments. I chuckled along at the ketchup-blood, delayed pacing and obligatory nudie dance scene. I particularly liked the bizarre regional dubbing and some of the dialogue will make the skin crawl.
In truth ‘Manchester Morgue’ was slightly too well made to be considered another magnificent disasterpiece. At moments it could be said to be genuinely creepy and nightmarishly surreal. Even the use of the bleak Northern setting was impressive. I can’t put my finger on it but somehow this film remained just a forgettable bad [bad] film instead of a truly ‘bad’ [good] one. This is a film that has the potential to be so much worse than it is. Unfortunately somewhere alone the way someone got it right.

* (or in the bad=hilarious scale * *)

An altogether more gloriously demented and hugely enjoyable film arrived this week in the form of Crank 2: High Voltage (2009 Dir: Neveldine/Taylor). Having survived falling out a soaring helicopter Chev Chelios [Jason Statham] has his heart replaced with a battery powered one by some oddly camp gangsters. Thus our hero must keep up his electric charge as he rampages across Los Angeles to get it back.
For fans of the first film, don’t fret as this sequel somehow manages to out-do the madness of the original. The absolute lunacy of proceedings presented here has to be applauded.
This adrenaline pumping action film is refreshingly filthy-mouthed, un-PC funny and utterly insane. This film and its predecessor can be seen as the filmic equivalents of the Gran Theft Auto video game series in terms of unrestricted energy and the utterly ridiculous levels of city-carnage displayed here. The Crank franchise is big and it’s stupid, the filmmakers know this and except it. This allows them to push the film way beyond the point of sanity.

I predict Crank 2 for Best Picture 2010.

* * * *

For my final two cinema visits of the week we need to travel to the slightly less absurd and implausible settings of politics and journalism.

Armando Ianmucci’s (one of the brains behind The Day Today and I’m Alan Partridge) cinematic spin-off from The Thick of It; In the Loop (2009), is a bleakly funny, satirical swear-a-thon.
As with the series, the film deals with the venomous, political spin-master and government enforcer Malcolm Tucker (a hilariously egotistical Peter Capaldi) in his role as damage limitation for bad press. In this case with the potential run up to war in the Middle East Tucker sends ambitious but effortlessly dim MP Simon Forster (Tom Hollander) to Washington to act as pawn between Downing Street and the White House.
This a very funny film, powered along by good performances from all the cast, specially Capaldi, Hollander and James Gandolfino as a pacifist Pentagon general. Of special note is Paul Higgins as Tucker’s psychotic right-arm man Jamie, who just about manages to steal every scene he’s in. There are some very good one-liners peppered throughout the film, forget Richard Curtis’ soggy ‘The Boat that Rocked’ as this is the must-see British comedy of the year. At last, a film that proves, as I’ve been saying for years, that in certain hands swearing can indeed be an art-form and one that should rightfully be encouraged.

F**K! + C**T! = * * * *

Also based on an acclaimed BBC television series is State of Play (2009 Dir: Kevin Macdonald). This film transplants the action of Paul Abbot’s original series from London to Washington DC.
This is a sleek and intelligent if occasionally routine corporate thriller in which old-school journo Russell Crowe teams up with rookie blogger Rachael McAdams in order to unveil a conspiracy involving the mysterious death of congressman Ben Affleck’s aid. The congressman is currently investigating a sinister private hire company dealing in supplying mercenary agents for armed combat. Could they possibly be behind the death in order to silence Affleck or are there other hidden personal motives at play?
State of Play is a reasonably enjoyable standard Hollywood thriller. The performances are good and there are enough set pieces to keep proceedings moving. But the film suffers in over familiarisation and having no real sense of urgency, or any real danger. The film rushed the conclusion, while earlier padding (especially Crowe’s relationship with Robin Wright Penn as the congressman’s bland wife) could have been trimmed. There is one rather good twist towards the end, but by this time I had already guessed the ending.
Having seen the Hollywood version, I now want to see the original for comparison. Perhaps the problems I had with the film will not be as prominent over a longer time-scale.

* * *